[27] Scream It From The Rooftops

Category: Life
You are a DUMBASS if you do not believe in evolution. You are a DUMBASS if you have faith and don't know expressly why. YOU ARE A DUMBASS if you don't read, watch the news, discuss, and think about any issue your unsure or scared of. I'M SURROUND BY A SEA OF DUMBASSES.

I want to take a moment to define the word fact. A fact is some thing, claim, ideal, or otherwise, that can be proven or disproved. To merely say something is a fact just tells people "make me look wrong." Scientists don't' say evolution is a fact "because" and leave it at that. There is a shit load, beyond shit load of evidence behind the claim. I'm sick of right wing religious fucks playing the Nazi role and twisting research and spreading propaganda.

The most important question I think anyone can ever ask: When did you become a judge for a God? The fact of life is people as a whole barely have a grasp on their own life let alone what other people's purpose in life is supposed to be. What is more anti-peace, anti-community, and anti-life then trying to control other people. Make them feel bad for being here and feeling unconfined. TAKE CARE OF YOUR FUCKING SELF. Work out your own personal issues, find out why you think you could become the next college shooter. Ask yourself why you don't take advice or go where you think you want to in life. Be honest to yourself about why your prayers aren't answered. Admit your scared out of your mind to think that you have one life to live and up until an epiphany you may not have been living it the way you wanted.

A fact. A bible that claims to be perfect, unbound by the constraints of time, and a guide for morals and how to live is completely FALSE with 1 and ONLY 1 contradiction. And if your asking for just one, read the story of Abraham. If you know this and continue to deny what's right in front of you its called denial. Its called immense fear of your spiritual world crashing to an end. I had a Christian mentor I guess tell me your life should feel like your in hell for the reward afterward. All I can think of is the devil. If this reward is so immense, so great and amazing, how could a being second to only God himself fuck up and think its not enough. The devil is a fictional character that is too stupid to be believable.

If there is a God then that means unbounded, un ruled, nothing stops him from changing a "rule" on a whim. This omniscient being correct? He knows everything. Even the people that will end up in Hell. A perfectly unconditionally loving being knows he will create you and send you to hell. This is your God? How many bible readers read and stress over the parts that say stone your devirginized wife? How many think they're really going to Hell if they work on Sunday? The main point I'm trying to make is, your either a Christian or your not. All this pseudo-Christian bullshit where everyone points the finger is the most ungodly faithless display of anything you could take from the religion.
What if someone told you there is only this life? You will die, and come back and re live it over and over again. How many times would you want to die being unsure about yourself? How many lives would u want to live in servitude coming up empty handed in the end? How far will you push the ones who love you while you look for answers in place you only imagine is perfect?

What I don't understand is how any Christian can't or doesn't care to know where the origins of their faith came from. How many of their "true" and "perfect" ideals were better perfected, explained, and understood in Christianity's predecessors. Why the atheists and agnostics and Buddhist and Hindis and countless other random factions of spirituality don't have wars, are at peace, and live the longest, most fulfilling lives that strive for true love and understanding.

Are you TRULY happy with your faith? If I put a gun to your head is Heaven in your eyes? Is it a great thing that the un baptized kids are in limbo or hell while your laughing it up in Heaven? Anyone and everyone has hidden behind plan to explain things that you can't understand. Muslims, who outnumber Christians, believe EXACTLY as you do about you going to hell, and Mohamed being the profit with their religion being right. NOONE SEES THE FUCKING BIGGER PICTURE. Its not about your faith, your associations, ur friends, your fears or strengths. Its all about you. You love so u can feel happy about yourself, you hate to quench the urge that makes you thrive for revenge or violence. "Happy" fathers of "loving" families kill themselves everyday because they can't make heads or tails about what is actually them and what is the face they've learned to make.

Another thing, this stem cell business is also beyond ridiculous. STEM CELLS ARE GOOD, GREAT, AND AMAZINGLY GRAND. If you have a problem taking cells from something the fraction of a fly's brain you're a certified retard. If you think the little girl in Kansas who is looking for a way to fight cancer is dying because God thinks she deserves to and those cells are supposed to go to some kid who doesn't even exist yet, you again are fucking retarded. I'd take every "potential life" from every third world woman and turn it into a cure for something before I let one more kid grow up with HIV and cut off limbs. And its not God telling me what's morally right or wrong. God says its ok to have slaves in the bible. The world has told Him where to shove that idea. So why is shit like this so hard to solve?

How pompous I hear some people talk about their position in their faith. "I'm saved, go me." "Oh!? you don't believe in the kingdom of Heaven? Well enjoy your stay in hell. I love you like a brother, condemned sinner." That look when someone is so full of their own bullshit they look down on you like you're a younger brother who just needs to listen harder to some older wisdom. Like what you know and lived through is so meaningless and misguided. That smug smile that doesn't want to look so gloating as "God forbids such pride," but can't help shoving every ounce of their self affirmation down your throat. I hate that fucking smile.

SCIENCE IS NOT AGAINST GOD. If anything the more scientific things I hear about the more a God would have to play a role in them. Neither science nor faith EXPLAINS shit. They don't know and will NEVER know. Science proposes ideas, theories, and laws and attempts to back them up with undeniable evidence. Religion relies on stories, and parables, and PURE INTERPRETATION. And for the mass populace, that's ok. They don't question, they don't think, and most scarily they don't care. If a battle for eternal salvation was weighing on my conscious I'd take every step needed to make sure I'm on the winning side.

People abuse the bible to segregate and "organize" their terrible, stress filled, meaningless lives. They don't embrace and apply the teachings because in their heart they know something is flawed. They stay away from people that may make them happy and thoughtful because they aren't "Christian" enough. This is something I will never be able to fathom on any level. Love itself, the pinnacle on the ladder of aspirations, is stifled and outright killed because of fear to learn or think about something from someone outside their prayer circle.

DO YOU FEEL HAPPY?
DO YOU FEEL FULFILLED?
DO YOU UNDERSTAND ANYTHING?
DO YOU KNOW YOURSELF?
DO YOU EVEN CARE WHAT YOUR RELIGION DOES TO THE WORLD?
DO YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT YOURSELF?
DO YOU SEE HOW BENEFICIAL CHANGE CAN BE?
DO YOU TRULY, BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT, KNOW LOVE?

A hesitation on any one of those questions should open so many doors. And if you don't step through them you hide behind them. The bible won't answer these questions.

How do you teach the art of not lying to yourself? How can you convince people its ok to be wrong? Why does no one have faith in themselves?
I feel happy, though I know I could be happier.
I feel fulfilled, but I know there's plenty of information to keep stretching the confines of my mind.
I understand that humanity repeats itself and is stuck in a rut driven by fear and laziness.
I know I can be completely heartless and completely selfless in a moments notice. I know that I have a lot of thoughts and ideas about the world and it literally pains me to think about some of the people I know and situations I hear about.
I know that some Christians go on missions to poor countries plagued with HIV and preach hellfire and condemn condoms.
I care enough about myself to not blindly believe anything I read or think about without investigating it.
I know what changes have taken place in me involving my outlook on the world, thoughts about death, and interactions amongst different people.
I know that love is so much more than any book, piece of music, or broken heart can express. It takes work and effort if not a pure expression of will to make it true. It is not something that you have to question.

There is this moment. No future or past. This one instant in the void between time where you can find truth. What are you waiting for?

[26] Maybe You Should Decide What The Title Is

Current mood: blank

You know what the truth is…

I have four, maybe five friends I can pretty much trust. 1 absolutely. Hypocrisy finds its way into your life before you know what's happening. I'm going to get everywhere I've ever wanted in life and it will all account for nothing. And at least for now I don't even care of that fact. I have an emotional void for people's feelings. I can't force myself to care. The closer I look and farther I reach into a path geared towards understanding, the more I feel detached from the world and everyone in it. I thought for a time there was something more, something to aspire to, yet nothing is guaranteed. People lie to themselves and therefore lie to me. I'm guilty of it. And too many unsolvable and downright ridiculous problems arise from it all. Freedom of choice? That's the ideal. We feel like we're in control so therefore must be. I'd like to believe it. Know that everything I said was me saying it. And how will anyone ever know? Has life always been this process of who can pretend they know the answers the best? You take responsibility for what you do. Somewhere whether you feel guilty or not, were considered right or wrong, is your action weighing on your mind.

Can you only truly suffer for others actions or just your own?

Its easy to blame. Too easy. Does that mean that you can never blame, at least appropriately? You can do whatever you want at any time. Listening to friends, family, tv etc. you've already been programmed a certain way. I've thought that I knew what I wanted. Everyday some new detail is etched into my future. It still isn't shit. First it was the lavish lifestyle, huge house and money piles. Then it was the perfect girl. Lately its been trying to better understand myself. What will it all account for though? The money dream, easy enough to see through. The perfect girl, tends to only be perfect to the one making the claim. Trying to know myself has led to more open doors and possibilities that I can't even imagine exploring all in one lifetime. Do I really care that much about my future so as not to drink or do drugs? Don't I really feel like I could still do those things and get by? Sure, its one thing to hear how bad it is from people, but what do I actually know? Using drugs and alcohol were just examples of the perhaps potentially threatening paths your mind can take you when every question is asked. All the questions, uncertainty, and temptation to delve deeper and learn as to how and why are encoded in your genes.

I'd want to guard myself from people like me, even to the point where I feel like I restrict myself from me. And no, not in some schizoid freak way. "Its that evil Devil figure who manifests himself in questions like those," they say. Good thing religion is designed to protect you from the collective thought right? :-/ The thoughts that keep your attention on your nails or phone when someone says I love you. Or the thoughts that make you laugh at a crippled retard trying to ski. I long for something much more than a trip out to college, or loving relationship. I feel as though I don't even want to be here period. And no, not a suicidal thing either. Something beyond my reach is just pulling at my head. All of my past mistakes or sins or whatever the hell you want to classify my actions as just won't and don't matter. Its as if a hell wouldn't be so terrible. Where your forced to the point of understanding. There's no choice not to answer and face your "demons." At least then at some expression, or lack there of, of time you will grow and know you have learned why.

Just because you set a purpose, does that automatically give it credibility? You dream the big dream, fight the good fight. All the true consequences of you reaching your goal can never be known though. Happiness and love are what people preach as the road to fulfillment. Why then do I want to suffer? I mean I'm not a sado who's into pain or anything, but I don't feel like I can ever reach the golden nugget of fulfillment without paying for something. You can talk of forgiving the past and now the road is brand new and wide open, but you'll never forget. If you are compelled to ask for forgiveness in the first place, your past already has a design where forgiveness was once a foolish word and atonement wasn't a concern. So what's stopping you from revisiting those places in your mind after some "rebirth?" When you want to fear God and be disciplined is when your in church that Sunday and reading a verse or two. Only abusing an outlet to overcome what you either fear or don't know how to handle. Pure being and understanding pushed further out of reach.

I don't want to be forgiven as much as I don't want to forgive. I don't know where the amount you care about something fits into that. People have straight fucked me more times than I can imagine. At the same time when the dust clears I feel like none of it matters and I just stopped caring. I've had kids hold grudges towards me to this day since kindergarten who I can barely remember their name. Listening to moments of sporadic and "significant" feelings can take you just as nowhere as always following logic. It's a dead end crossroad. Love, fear, hope, anger all fall into the boat of "who's really giving a shit sooner or later?" to me. Then it turns into did I do something "right" because I thought it was "right" or felt it was "right" or because it was actually right? Same in respect to "wrong."  If you have any grasp at what I'm getting at you can begin to see the circles I run in my head nonstop. Simple example, you can buy clothes at Hollister because you thought it would get you recognized, felt like you were popular, but were actually sooo wrong if you killed a part of yourself in the process.

Who wants to live like that? Why think so much? Duh Nick, this is right, that is wrong, what's so hard to understand? Do you need a hug? Wow I totally relate with half the stuff I semi understood, but thank God I don't have to think about it past the point I came up to at the end of this.