Since its everyone's business and I
don't give a fuck anymore, I'll make my case.
I'm not a relationship person, I don't
lie to people about what I do and don't feel about them. I told Steev
this from the beginning. I try, I really do try to find reasons to
care about people and you'd think being able to talk to someone, work
out world (or at least campus domination), and awesome, say fun times
would be enough. NO. It's never enough. Let's make it dramatic and
say your falling in love. Let's tell me "British style
relationship" and then get angry at me for following the rules.
The truth is, I incessantly had to essentially force the
conversations to get ounces of truth or understanding between us.
I'll take the blame for being the idiot who's maniacally complicated,
but I try to talk things out or give perspective whenever I can. I'll
accept all responsibility for whatever mess or confusion this shit
has caused because I saw it coming and didn't stop. When she tried to
break it off I was opposed because I thought it was a simple matter
of better definitions and more talking. I was wrong. Take whatever
story you want from her that makes me look like the intentional
asshole because it won't be worth bringing up again after this.
Yes, I care/d about her for who she is
and how we relate/d. I was never out to hurt her which is what I had
to tell her everyday because again, I didn't want to acknowledge what
I saw behind her "it's fine" and "it's cools." It
was my mistake.
Also, its frankly bullshit the way some
of the guys, including myself I recently learned, treat her normally.
Unzipping costumes, ass grabs, and punches to the arms and chest that
leave bruises are fucking pathetic. And I know she doesn't want me to
say anything, but I'll go on sounding stupid trying to make up for my
silence then anyway.
How easy it would've been for me to
lie. "Yes dear, I love you to," "of course I'll do all
I can to make this an awesome relationship," "No, I don't
find other girls attractive."
And to be clear, this isn't me ranting
about her or blaming her for shit. I'm doing the only fucking thing
I've tried to do this entire time and be honest and put my
perspective out there. I know where I fucked up, and I still am
frankly confused about many things. I understand that serious
questions can get lost in the jokes. I don't ever know what people
mean by "normal relationship" or "most people"
and it can be just as hard for me to read the "joke" in the
answer to one of my serious questions as it is for someone to
understand me. In any event, I'm learning from the past and refusing
to dwell or blow things up. Take this for what you will, but I'm
done.
