I don't think I've devoted an entire
blog to jealousy. I should get on that now.
With the foundation thoughts for ownership in place, jealousy seems to follow rather naturally. What is jealousy then? I can tell you the most recurring theme in talking with people about their relationships is some form of jealousy standing vigilant looking for any and all excuse to leap forth and take action. Whether it's your creepy boyfriend looking from across the room or your list of rules about who to text or hang out with, everyone seems to have some form of rules they want their partners to play by to help dignify the specialness of their relationship. No, they don't all have to take some creepy or overbearing form and there are plenty of people who find jealousy endearing, but I think there's a deeper story.
With the foundation thoughts for ownership in place, jealousy seems to follow rather naturally. What is jealousy then? I can tell you the most recurring theme in talking with people about their relationships is some form of jealousy standing vigilant looking for any and all excuse to leap forth and take action. Whether it's your creepy boyfriend looking from across the room or your list of rules about who to text or hang out with, everyone seems to have some form of rules they want their partners to play by to help dignify the specialness of their relationship. No, they don't all have to take some creepy or overbearing form and there are plenty of people who find jealousy endearing, but I think there's a deeper story.
Now,
turns out, I tend to think you have a hard time reaching a kind of
“ground floor” of a personality or individual nature when you're
adhering to rules. A Christian who is virtuous for fear of hell holds
no more water for me than a faithful spouse who simply doesn't
believe they know how to get away clean with cheating. You need to
develop your own reasons. You need to actually feel the depths of
your “soul” (icky word) and then start trying to honestly recount
your experience. I think you should find the most ground in the idea
of things changing, and then put yourself to task figuring out
why.
So, as a rule in relationships, I don't deal with rules. No matter what my potential feelings on a matter may be, I let them happen, yet what makes the most sense to do is my decision. This allows jealousy to be kicked in the balls, in a sense. I think unlike sadness or anger, jealousy has a terribly “personal” character. You can externalize the others. I'm mad at you, I'm sad they died. Whatever you may be jealous of harps back inevitably to something about you. Given that I've lost practically all capacity to be insecure, let's see if I can describe what feels abstract.
I have a hard time describing how and why I feel jealous or when it kicks in. I've been jealous about damn near every person I've “hooked up with” as it's crassly understood when they get a boyfriend, for example. Why? Is it like an intrinsic man thing to fundamentally feel some kind of claim on women you fool around with? And, even if I make it “go away,” it usually has everything to do with the distance or the distractions of the present moment. In a sense, it's like there's always a lit candle. It may just have something to do with taboos and struggles people tend to have when it comes to that realm, and the idea that they decided to get with you, it's like, awesome no way!
So, as a rule in relationships, I don't deal with rules. No matter what my potential feelings on a matter may be, I let them happen, yet what makes the most sense to do is my decision. This allows jealousy to be kicked in the balls, in a sense. I think unlike sadness or anger, jealousy has a terribly “personal” character. You can externalize the others. I'm mad at you, I'm sad they died. Whatever you may be jealous of harps back inevitably to something about you. Given that I've lost practically all capacity to be insecure, let's see if I can describe what feels abstract.
I have a hard time describing how and why I feel jealous or when it kicks in. I've been jealous about damn near every person I've “hooked up with” as it's crassly understood when they get a boyfriend, for example. Why? Is it like an intrinsic man thing to fundamentally feel some kind of claim on women you fool around with? And, even if I make it “go away,” it usually has everything to do with the distance or the distractions of the present moment. In a sense, it's like there's always a lit candle. It may just have something to do with taboos and struggles people tend to have when it comes to that realm, and the idea that they decided to get with you, it's like, awesome no way!
The romantic in me,
(right? It's struggling to work it's way back from the grave) likes
to tell the story of the endless amounts of people I hate and find
ugly as sin. The idea that there are even a handful of opportunities
to find people who are mutually attractive and versed in interesting
things to talk about is like a godsend. It would be quite a shame to
think they would get with someone “lesser” or who would not sort
of feel the same things about them if and when their situation
changes. Like, I do a lot of work trying to figure out where I'm
coming from, some lost boy pining for the pussy I find it hard to be
compared to even figuratively.
I
think there's a huge part of me that doesn't want to respect or
acknowledge other peoples' feelings. Let me explain. For as
emotionally retarded, quick to insecurity, anxious and fear laden
declarations of “love” I've come across, I've all but lost my
capacity to believe damn near anything people say about their
relationships or where they're coming from. When someone “woos”
one of my friends, I'm immediately defaulted into thinking “the
worst.” And it's not just because I'm mean, it's because people are
normal. People are polite. People want to believe. Even when they
know they shouldn't.
And when I say the worst, I mean shitting on ideas I had about my friend. In that, “how the fuck could they not see this this and this” and I have to sort of choke down new little negotiations of how they're going to register in my life. I've seen friends go after other friends out of spite, and “win”. God could that be unpacked for days but this is no time for pointing fingers. I've seen a sense of pride across faces in recalling their “number.” And I've seen so many girls after years of finding typical guys start to develop a lot of demoralizing habits and ideas about what they want from their next partner. Certainly not in every realm, but in very important ways, whomever you're with, I shouldn't be able to say that I would be (am?) a better friend to you than they are a boyfriend.
I think it's partly a pretentious thing. I think that I hold myself and our relationship in such a high regard, that if I can't stomach the other peoples' personalities who you like, it's like an affront to what I thought existed between us. It's like, I'd rather be treated like a whore-ish dog than be persuaded that there's something more between the people I fool around with or call friends. And there's a world of confusion as to how I understand how you understand your relationship with someone else. Yes, I'm pretending it's even my business because I had some naïve thoughts about the level of involvement friends might offer their perspectives.
And when I say the worst, I mean shitting on ideas I had about my friend. In that, “how the fuck could they not see this this and this” and I have to sort of choke down new little negotiations of how they're going to register in my life. I've seen friends go after other friends out of spite, and “win”. God could that be unpacked for days but this is no time for pointing fingers. I've seen a sense of pride across faces in recalling their “number.” And I've seen so many girls after years of finding typical guys start to develop a lot of demoralizing habits and ideas about what they want from their next partner. Certainly not in every realm, but in very important ways, whomever you're with, I shouldn't be able to say that I would be (am?) a better friend to you than they are a boyfriend.
I think it's partly a pretentious thing. I think that I hold myself and our relationship in such a high regard, that if I can't stomach the other peoples' personalities who you like, it's like an affront to what I thought existed between us. It's like, I'd rather be treated like a whore-ish dog than be persuaded that there's something more between the people I fool around with or call friends. And there's a world of confusion as to how I understand how you understand your relationship with someone else. Yes, I'm pretending it's even my business because I had some naïve thoughts about the level of involvement friends might offer their perspectives.
What's interesting,
is that jealous feeling goes completely out the window when I like
the guy. Or, perhaps better said, basically know where he's coming
from. Granted, this is damn near impossible to understand about most
people most of the time, so I'm always gonna be stuck making shitty
comments from time to time. And it's not enough to simply say
something like “well, he makes me happy.” Happy is a fickle and
cruel joke played on relationships. Happiness is a trick. It's the
easiest set of causes and effects. Identify things you like, do said
things in varying intervals that provoke happiness. I want people in
your lives that make you work, think, and you both come out
disfigured with the battle wounds of being human, not “happy.”
For my sake, if I may beg, please be specific.
I've always
considered jealousy important for the amount of information it can
prompt you to think about. It's why, while I'll always lament it, I
won't let it dictate rules. I won't pretend I own anything, I won't
pretend it's going to stop me from treating or caring to the degree I
do. What I need to do is either figure out how to better respect
where people are coming from when they engage with what I would
consider, let's put it politely, hopeless-where-it-matters types. I
know that it isn't fair to friends or even the ideas I have about
them. It's my cut-and-dry attitude of how I engage with said hopeless
types that bleeds over into undue expectations of friends.
I suppose I find
others' sincerity shallow. If they manage to be sincere at all and
aren't outright lying to get by or get what they want. I'm sure there
is no intrinsic difference between me and anyone, hopeless or
otherwise, that people are choosing to relate to. I think I just find
more value and meaning in calling out all the ways it can be
bullshit. I see a lot of emotional thieves looking for the language
and the payout without the work. I hope to cast a giant shadow of
doubt. It lets the people with real things shine.
