[287] Drunk Mind Sober Heart

Haha if you haven’t read my last blog, please do. It probably presents my drunken mind state better than this one will manage to lol.

So I talk, a lot. I say completely (better word that inordinate which was here) things that probably make you question what the ever loving fuck could be going on in my head. Totally understandable. I find that the more you allow me to talk though, the easier it is to grasp what the fuck’s up.

Patterns. (for all you avid followers). They are something I will never escape. We’re all “locked in” so to speak, to how “life” is supposed to play out. For example, when I tell one of my damn good looking friends that literally every person they talk to at the bar is trying to sleep with them. I’d be genuinely surprised if upon an interview someone I brought that shit to said, “Nah, that hot ass chica ain’t really what I’m feeling.”

To me, this speaks to something important. I know I’m all hell bent on taking the excitement and surprise out of things…but really. Personally, it doesn’t really matter if I’m feeling a girl or not. If she isn’t feeling the same way back, you’re basically a rapist if anything happens. Yes, I totally understand that many people are comfortable being rapists in this scenario, but I mean, really that’s not the take home message.

I suppose I’m bored with fake people and games. My conception of reality allots for an ever growing amount of possibilities. This means, I’m literally, never worried about your judgment. I mean, isn’t that straight disrespectful? Shouldn’t I qualify your humanity to the same extent that I see mine? And yet, the fact is, I don’t. Deal with that shit, right?

But to allay worries that I’m ever upepth my own asseth, I pursue these blogs.

Why is it so hard for people to just lay out “Hey, I’m attracted to you” or “Hey, it’d be nice to fuck around?” This is such a recurring thing I’m just so elated I have genuine excitement to digress upon it endlessly. It’s what makes me to so…careless...in my handlings of things.

I just simply can’t respect being an uppity pretentious cunt about things. Your pussy isn’t magic. (Laughing too incredibly hard right now)

Try being a person. Try developing a personality. Try being responsible and accountable to someone. You know why love is a joke to me? Love is a process. Love is a game. If you choose to disavow the rules, it’s open season. You wanna pretend you know the game and it’s niggas like me who are going to shit on you for days. It’s just so impossibly stupid, kinda fun from time to time, but fucking impossibly stupid.

Look out for my sincere assessments. That shit’s gonna fuck you up. I mean, unless you a bitch.

[286] Congradufuckinglations!

I’m a little weird. Okay, fine, whatever. I sat next to a homeless, or at least he was really good at pretending to be homeless, guy and asked him what he thought of the world and/or the drunken rabble that pretended he wasn’t sprawled out belly up on the street. You know what he told me? He tries not to sin because the bible prophecy stuff is going to come true.

I want to kill everything.

My hope stems from ignorance. It’s with the knowledge that my perspective is limited that there may be whole worlds of potential a mere conversation away. The horrifying truth, the more I put myself out there, the more I ask questions and attempt to adopt “friends’…the more I fucking realize that people are exactly as I assume them to be. The old homeless fuck with barely a grasp of the English language is explicitly and nothing more than an old homeless fuck with barely a grasp of the English language. It doesn’t matter that we made him that way, it just matters that that’s what he is. That’s his impact and “contribution” to what we’ll denote as society.

How do fucking people believe there is a plan? How do you cling to this hope that we are all magic sky fairies who will live forever if we just live by some relative moral code that makes us feel good about ourselves? I genuinely don’t fucking get it at all. You have a purpose? Is it to ignore the empty, pathetic, superstitious dreg of a homeless man I talked to today? You’re so high and mighty and moral that your god will just play things out with this “plan?” and account for Mr. Pathetic Homeless Fuck once we all die? That’s fucking deplorable and morbid.

But, I bid you congratulations, friends of mine. I’m using you as a case study for the whole of humanity. What I think of you will serve as to what I’m to project onto everybody else. If you’re potentially horrified by this prospect, no worries, I’ve taken that into account. Turns out, I’m ever convinced you’re everything I thought of and more, and coincidentally that's just enough for the future tasks at hand. I know, what an honor right?

I really don’t want to know everything. I don’t want to be the ego maniac (necessarily). I don’t want to be too smart for my own good. I don’t want to be as judgmental as your gods on high. In fact, I wish I didn’t give a fuck! I wish you were all tools. I wish you were all just fucking bags of fucking meat who I fuck from time to time to talk to (rant at) and you somehow manage to stay till the end. I wish that all the “necessary conclusions” I drew from incessant thinking about the world and my place in it didn’t have to make the cards fall as they did. And yet, I never fucking escape it. It’s always just as “it is.”

Whether you’re homeless, the hot dog vendor, the drunk frat boy, or the pissed off bar tender, you are EVERY FUCKING THING I could ever think you are. You’re not a surprise. You aren’t an anomaly. You aren’t technically even worth considering past your meager moniker. Take that American idealization of the self! To be clear, I find this utterly demoralizing. It makes me want to just bust down the doors and take over like a Nazi socialist party 2.0.

In the midst of my self-serving fuck everything haven’t you heard how smart I am the world can go fuck itself blog, I should point out how much I’m sick of fucking qualifying everything. NONE of you mother fuckers just bitch. You don’t just sit and complain and really fucking shit out how fucking shitty you may think or feel about something and it makes me fucking insane! For as much as I talk you mother fuckers up, I have not even a handful of mother fuckers who are a willing to “risk” sounding like a belligerent asshole in some blog at the end of a 15c beer night. It’s fucking sad and I wish that would change.

Let’s see how much money I can make in this real estate bullshit and then try and gauge the dent I make in the culture at large in the coming years. I’ll be the first to admit I’m completely full of shit until you can point and exclaim “that nigga did that.” Hopefully one day I’ll transcended the fucker who says fuck too often and you’ll actually feel what the fuck I’m after. Here’s to fucking trying. Clearly, I'm fucking spent thinking about shit so finding some "rut" to distract me for a while might be a nice escape. As if.

[285] Double Edged Sword

The bigger I allow my perspective, the more and less I give a shit.

You can pick your favorite issue, or just care about “everything;” either way you’re inviting yourself to take a moral high ground on an issue you spend little time putting a stake into. The inaccurate statement being “I don’t care.” The more accurate statement “I’m constrained to bitching.” Like all patterns, to some degree I just get bored and stop caring. And the more you learn, the harder it is to justify imposing the stress or anger that classically is used to motivate change.

But this is all terribly non-specific. Let’s take something easy, like whores. How one can live the life of a genuine “seek-and-destroy” whore confuses me. It’s hopelessly boring. You learn the lines, the body language, you get into the drab and calculated conversations, and then you conceivably go back to some level of sleazy fuck nest and inevitably never see each other again after awkwardly stumbling over your words and out the door. It’s quite boring. No challenge, no build up, no investment, no fantasy, no real consequence or learning experience were you to fail. Not that I’m arguing against one night stands, I just don’t know how you can make that your mission.

Let’s take an activist group. Each day is spent trying to deliberately spike a conversation with your hatred of some evil corporation or force in the world. You attend protests and make signs. You scour the internet for pictures and arguments to show just how righteous your cause is and how much the rest of the world needs to change. Less you think I’m over selling this, I encourage you to camp outside of few hipster hot spots around town for a few hours. Ultimately they create a feedback loop where as long as they keep voicing how much they care, they’re doing their part and their hands are clean. Again, this a boring pattern.

My current pattern problem involves caring and trying. I do it with my small perspective, which, I understand the potential consequences, but it’s hard to let them weigh too heavily before you try or care. I genuinely want to change the world. I mean, of course I do. Who the hell talks like I do for so long without having either a mental impairment or an actual mission? But I keep getting reminded the same lessons, like:

The world is BIG. Many people don’t care, if not most, and that’s not necessarily even their fault. While you may get things done very quickly, the rest of the world is convinced “things take time.” You’re always a year too young and a year too late as far as “they” are concerned. There is an extreme amount of luck to even get what is arguably a meager reward. The chase is often better than getting what you want. The one piece of missing information, that you could never have known, can bring it all crashing down around you. Someone, well before you even sniffed at the thought, has had it before you, was in a place to do/say something about it, and things still turned out like you see today.

There’s a more exhaustive list of course, but these are free flow blogs right? Why bore you with too many details? I mean, what I want more than anything is for things to make sense. I want this with the full knowledge that people don’t make sense and they create situations and institutions every day that amplify just how little sense they can make. Knowing this, I start to get a shift of priority. Less and less I’m motivated to get specialized knowledge; at least, any more than the subconscious philosophy of my dreams, and the more I want to destroy. If I dramatically analogize something to cancer, the answer is to remove the cancer.

The world that makes sense to me has free health care because we decided to abandon “survival of the fittest.” From this naturally follows that these healthy people got that way from eating and drinking things that don’t poison them. Of course we’re talking about “people” not specifically “blacks”, or “gays”, or “women”, which means if we’re going to invent a word like “right” every person should be able to do the same things as anyone else. Splintering off seems to undermine the message. All these people live on the only planet we can currently survive on, so when working out priorities, keeping it healthy and habitable aren’t a debate. We like to reproduce and pass on our knowledge, which to me, it only follows that you want that knowledge to be correct and useful, so a scientific metric to judge it on would be paramount. You get the point…you better get the point…

If I’m as much a part of this world as anything or anyone else, how do I win? I can’t integrate ideas that kill. I can’t go through the motions of how things currently operate unless I want to wait in line for hundreds or thousands of years. And I can’t ever really give up or I volunteer myself into stoic slavery.

It occurs to me I’m not in ongoing talks about these things with most people because, apparently, they think I’m trying to argue with them. I ask that this be a moment where you pause and think if your perception is lost to the reality. I can’t remember the last time I was arguing with someone, if only because I’m so very hazy on facts and sources which is the only way I feel comfortable arguing. Or I've managed to alienate myself from conversation with all but a handful of people and never managed to realize it. That'd be freaky, but I digress…

History is my biggest issue. There were plenty of smart, motivated, and informed people with lasting ideas or behaviors…that ultimately lost out to time or idiots. We need the drama, we need the change, and that means we never have everything we need no matter how big the “I” in irony gets. I suppose that speaks to why I think we’re ultimately fucked. Why I might need to ride it out and take everything I “accomplish” as an “accident” of my circumstances. My will be damned, at least as far as you’re concerned. Rest assured my ego finds this an extremely hard sell. I only flirt with stuff like that in self-sabotaging the small things. Ironic?

[284] Caution: Road Map on Fire

Let’s see if I can bring down the mood.

I want everyone graduating to pay close attention. I’m extremely intrigued by your prospective futures, and if you could do one thing, it is to focus in on how you feel and think as the years pile on quicker than you thought they would. I’m asking this because of how many “old people” I hate. I’m asking so that maybe I can do two things; either figure out why so many clichés exist about life, “I gave up on trying to save the world,” “it’ll be over before you know it,” “that’s just how such and such works” and/or devise what it takes to escape those clichés.

You see, fundamentally, I’m worried. I’m bugged that you’ll end up saying things like the rest of society or feeling as lonely or complacent as the millions of match.com members. I lucked out in my cynicism and hated college and what it stood for two weeks in. This whole “real world” thing has had too much of my commentary and scorn, so graduation for me was just another day. I already expected the worst and low and behold, it can get even worse than my approximations. I think you’re all generally more optimistic about life than I am, and if you go from higher than where I get, to as low as I can go, that’s unsettling.

But, thus is my theory for many if not most dispositions. “I tried, I thought, I hoped, I prayed, I changed, and then it all went to shit.” After a while it’s really easy to want to find a rut. The idea of “settling down” is appealing, not for its truth about your nature, but for the prospect of even the semblance of stability. Or maybe it’s in climbing the ranks of a job; I’m all for loving what you do, I think it’s very easy to forget all the other things you love to do and sometimes easy to start hating what you love to do without even realizing it till things get hairy.

Now, you’re my friends because overwhelmingly you don’t tend to act or think like how I conceive of most people. BUT, you are not immune. I certainly wasn’t and I realize how hard you have to work and how deliberate you have to think in order to avoid “life as we know it” or “life as it is” and keep with “life that I want.” And at least for me, it’s what I hope for you, it just takes so much more time and practice than I think we as a society are even used to. We certainly don’t teach it in school and it’s not what we’re celebrating at commencements.

I know regardless of how things turn out, you’ll survive. It’s hopefully about more than merely surviving and that’s what I wish to keep working at. If/when the world our actual old people created goes to shit or has set us up to live a quarter of the American Dream as it was sold, I’m all for trying to work on something different. Be it a different kind of network or family or work structure or modes of thought or whatever to escape the “comfortable” ruts people find themselves in avoiding having to think about things too much.

Alone, you may be just another college kid with loans, maybe living back home, or maybe starting a job in your field, yet practically an intern to all the scared broke people who’ve been doing it 10 or 20 years longer than you. Just don’t become a slave to that paradigm. And if you start to feel trapped or isolated or bored, I hope you start to think about what can be done together. I see people screwing things up because they feel empty. They lost their ability to decide for themselves. They lost what it means to care. They’ve settled. Please don’t get comfortable. Don’t allow their excuses to become yours. Please don’t squeeze a pebble’s size of happiness for all it’s worth because a bigger rock is too heavy or you’re too tired. This is too important a stage in your life to let it get stolen.